I'm confused now.
There's a lot of things in my mind. I really suck at expressing my thoughts in words.

There are people being awfully nice to you. though you should feel glad and happy over it but that hurts you a lot too, well probably not all the time.. but most of the time, perhaps?

you thought they really cared about you. So after you opened up to them, regarded them as someone close, always being there for them and placed trust in them, some would somehow end up distance away from you after whatever happened. probably they got tired of you or what so ever. and then you ended up being paranoid, making yourself cry, and you don't even know what crime you did that led to all these. and then you thought, "what am i to you? what do i mean to you after all these happenings? Should i regard those moments and our friendship as trash and throw them away?". well probably they can, but i can't. Friendship to me is something.. something big; important. and then here they are, giving you a slap in your face and broke your trust, and your heart. You really hate such people, but you can't bring yourself to say "I hate you" right in their face because they are the ones you love, well maybe once loved, truly loved, as friends.

So, though they were close, once close, but after whatever had happened and they drifted away, and caused you to think, "who are they?.. Seriously. Who are you?". Its like you don't know them at all. as if they'd become a whole new person. well as least not the one you think you knew, before.

sometimes you hope you can telepath to know what the people are thinking. whether or not they treat you well from the bottom of their heart or is it just plain sympathy, or otherwise trying to get something from you etc. if telepathy exist in me, i would be able to know what people are thinking in the very first place. and then the history will never ever repeat. and it'll bring a lot less trouble from getting upset, moody, hurt, and whatever negative things you can think of. now i think I'm selfish.

and the thing that makes me tear most is that, the people who brightened up your day, ended up not being one of those whom you'd regarded as your so-called close ones. I don't know who i can trust. I don't know if there's any more people i can trust other than the ones I'm having now.

sometimes it's not that you did not try. you tried to hold on. you did everything you can trying to make things right. but the more you try the less its working. eventually you got to let go, you got to let them free, because you are tearing yourself apart into bits and pieces, trying to hold on to something impossible for too long. then it all happens again. like trip and fall, and tide turn, not really. also wondering how the hell I'd come up with life.

i don't ask for awesomeness in September, but just better than August.